The pursuit of excellence
This post originally appeared as part of a larger article on Water, No Ice (www.waternoice.com).
Watching my son grow up in the US, going to a US school, I often wonder about the impact of this culture on him, and the values and lessons he’s getting from the environment around him. These lessons are often very different from, and sometimes at odds with, the values I grew up with in India. In some matters, there’s a conflict brewing, and I know it’s going to result in a serious disagreement someday.
One specific area where I see this conflict is the role of praise or “positive strokes” in motivating him. The American system seems to lay a great emphasis on positive praise, often going out of the way to avoid criticism of any sort. Anything a child does is worthy of praise. “Good job” or “That’s wonderful” rolls off tongues with such ease that it makes me cringe.
I’ve been at the receiving end of this glib praise on a sports team that I’m a member of. Even after losing a game, often miserably, I sit down and honestly ponder the mistakes I made - the lack of fitness, or too many unforced errors. It’s not that I’m depressed or anything; I’m just trying to figure out what I need to concentrate on to do better then next time. But my playing partners are prompted to “motivate” me by telling me that I’m “selling myself short” or that I “shouldn’t be so hard on myself”.
I don’t remember it being like this growing up in India. Praise was something to be earned by doing really well. When you went home with a report card showing you got 95% in Math, your parents normally asked you “What happened to the other 5%?” They might’ve been on the other end of the spectrum and we often do “sell ourselves short”, but it taught us to set ourselves high standards to achieve before we’d get praise and be able to rest on our laurels.
On the flip side, we may often fall into the same trap that our parents fell into – the inability to appreciate the positive aspects of a situation. If something doesn’t meet one’s expectations, I find it impossible to honestly offer praise, or if I force myself to – I feel terribly dishonest inside.
Coming back to the influence of these contradictions on our children, I often worry that they’ll grow up resenting their parents (who never seem to genuinely appreciate what they’ve achieved) and craving the praise of their teachers and coaches, who seem delighted with anything. The child may never realize that there’s a world of possibilities out there if they only tried harder; possibilities that are well within their abilities.
Praise, yet motivate to strive higher – that’s the fine balance we have to strike. I’m not sure there are any clean answers to how to bell this cat.
Watching my son grow up in the US, going to a US school, I often wonder about the impact of this culture on him, and the values and lessons he’s getting from the environment around him. These lessons are often very different from, and sometimes at odds with, the values I grew up with in India. In some matters, there’s a conflict brewing, and I know it’s going to result in a serious disagreement someday.
One specific area where I see this conflict is the role of praise or “positive strokes” in motivating him. The American system seems to lay a great emphasis on positive praise, often going out of the way to avoid criticism of any sort. Anything a child does is worthy of praise. “Good job” or “That’s wonderful” rolls off tongues with such ease that it makes me cringe.
I’ve been at the receiving end of this glib praise on a sports team that I’m a member of. Even after losing a game, often miserably, I sit down and honestly ponder the mistakes I made - the lack of fitness, or too many unforced errors. It’s not that I’m depressed or anything; I’m just trying to figure out what I need to concentrate on to do better then next time. But my playing partners are prompted to “motivate” me by telling me that I’m “selling myself short” or that I “shouldn’t be so hard on myself”.
I don’t remember it being like this growing up in India. Praise was something to be earned by doing really well. When you went home with a report card showing you got 95% in Math, your parents normally asked you “What happened to the other 5%?” They might’ve been on the other end of the spectrum and we often do “sell ourselves short”, but it taught us to set ourselves high standards to achieve before we’d get praise and be able to rest on our laurels.
On the flip side, we may often fall into the same trap that our parents fell into – the inability to appreciate the positive aspects of a situation. If something doesn’t meet one’s expectations, I find it impossible to honestly offer praise, or if I force myself to – I feel terribly dishonest inside.
Coming back to the influence of these contradictions on our children, I often worry that they’ll grow up resenting their parents (who never seem to genuinely appreciate what they’ve achieved) and craving the praise of their teachers and coaches, who seem delighted with anything. The child may never realize that there’s a world of possibilities out there if they only tried harder; possibilities that are well within their abilities.
Praise, yet motivate to strive higher – that’s the fine balance we have to strike. I’m not sure there are any clean answers to how to bell this cat.
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